Nera

Monthly Archive: July 2015

Do you remember?

When I was a kid I remember I believed anything is possible. When I was asked what will I become as a grown up, I always said I’ll be a flight attendant. Yes, I know how that sounds, not that glamorous from a grown up point of view. But for a kid coming from a small town in Transylvania, it was the top, the best thing I could imagine. It was the description of ultimate freedom, flying all the time.

When I grew up I realised I don’t really want to be a flight attendant. But that’s beside the point. My point is that somehow in the course of growing up, I got into my head all these ideas of what I could be and could not be and who I was and was not. And the worse thing is I actually started to believe in all that.

I tell you a “secret” now. None of that was true. I guess I got caught up so much in other people’s expectations of who I should be that I forgot that I can be whomever I want to be. It took a very unpleasant wake up call to see that that’s not the way. Why am I telling you this? Because I see the same patterns all over, all the time. I see people blaming others for whatever they are or have or not have. Their parents, their bosses, their teachers. I guess it’s an easy way out. Yes, been there ,done that. But…At some point I realised that it will lead nowhere, blaming others and holding on to the past. Probably it helped that I saw this video and realised what she is saying is true, there is an expiration date on how long can you blame your parents…

Funny thing is, I always believed that it is your mind that creates this world. I forgot all that some at point along the way.

Finally, when my body started to shut down along with my mind, I stopped and asked the question is this who I want to be? The answer was no. SInce then I have made my way back, figuratively speaking to my original self, to the one that thought that anything is possible and I can be anything and nothing. It hasn’t been easy. I think it might have been more easier or at least more familiar with continuing things as they were. Somebody told me a long time ago, that maybe a hell known is better than a heaven unknown. I never seemed to truly understand that, but I try not to judge them.

One big part of my healing process or whatever you want to call it, was of course due to singing. First I started small, I just sang whatever came to my mind while doing the dishes. Then I found my way back to singing lessons. I sang more and more, just for the fun of it. I joined a cover band, I joined a gospel choir. No, not all of those suited me. Sometimes I felt too restricted, so I left, but maybe that was all in my mind too.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we carry along a picture of ourselves that might not be real. We cultivate limitations for ourselves out of no particular reasons. For example I noticed that the minute I started to really believe I can sing high, I could sing high. And no, I still don’t believe I can sing in the whistle register, so I don’t. I’m working on it.

I remember most vividly from a Q&A session in a singing course last year a question that was something like how can you become a better singer or more like how can I achieve greatness? What should we do, what to study and so on?! The answer: “It depends on your mind. ” All our experiences, all our feeling and all our symptoms we create ourselves.

I wonder and keep wondering why people are not seeing this? By this I mean, the easiest solution… I came to the conclusion that it’s because of fear, most particularly fear of change. I’ve wrote about fear before, I’m not going to go into that in more details. The other thing is self deception. Many people that I met, myself no different, have said that they’d give anything, do anything to get out of this situation. Really? Be honest with yourself, what have you done? Unfortunately usually the answer is nothing. Somehow it seems really difficult to be honest even to ourselves. Why? Are we trying to protect ourselves from change? Are we too comfortable in where we are after all? It makes no sense, we are miserable, yet we still stay.

Is there any solution? Maybe, but the problem is you have to commit to trying to find one. Try get out of your comfort zone, of your built up image of yourself preferable daily. Be patient with yourself, you will have relapses for sure. It’s okay! Unfortunately I have to admit, that not all people want change, they want the same. Which is funny, because nothing ever stays the same, but more on that later.

Back to what I did or do…among other things I read, a lot. Yes, self help books too. Lately a bit less of those. If you only have limited time or resources, I do recommend to read just this one book:

http://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-It-Anyway/dp/0345487427

And if you are not too keen on reading, just close your eyes, think back on how you were as a kid. Remember one happy moment when you thought you can conquer the universe. Hold on to that image daily, especially when you want to go back to your old habits and do something differently.